How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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