Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
