I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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