I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
