he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
