I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
