Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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