I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Pants are for mortals
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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