I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
