I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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