Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
