You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
