Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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