He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
