Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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