I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
