Don't make out with my wife yet
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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