I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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