i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
