Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
