so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
