11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
