Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he shaved USA in his pubs
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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