I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
