she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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