my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Even my vagina gasped.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize