this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I don't deserve a penis
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
