it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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