i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
