I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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