Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize