I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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