Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
