no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
