someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
