Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
