i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
