when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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