This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
