Who did Billy Mays play for?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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