There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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