All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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