If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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