happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
