the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
