I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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