I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
