I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
