you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
