Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
