i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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