Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
