If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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