first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I wish there were birth control emojis
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
