I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
