Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
