her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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